This is for the mom’s.
The ones who carry those 9 month, blood suckers around for what seems like entirely too long.
For the women like me.
So here goes!
So you’ve missed your period, and you finally gather up enough balls to piss on a stick… Or twenty.
Or in my case, you go to the doctors for a physical, tell them it’s just a precaution, and you get 7 missed calls after leaving, only to find out your eggo is prego. (This is essentially how I found out I was carrying #2)
Life, right? Sometimes, babies are planned. Women spend months, fuck, some women spend years trying to conceive, but some women, like myself, we fuck up.
Now, I’m not saying my beautiful daughter was a fuck up, but I was 19, and there should’ve been something more productive I could’ve been doing in my free time. Worry not, I do not regret my daughter for a moment. Except when she hasn’t had a nap, and crumbles up her cookies into the carpet. (Kidding of course, though, that does piss me off.)
So, you’re pregnant. What now? Well, let me tell you!
1.) Good luck ever finding a comfortable position to sleep in. (Bonus points if you have a toddler in your bed too, and still manage to catch a couple z’s.) Sleeping was a problem in the first trimester, and it’s even bigger one in the third.
2.) The first three months, your body is stuck in that uncomfortable questionable state where people stare and think, “is she pregnant or just eating really good?” (If you’re anything like me, the answer is both. I was pregnant AND I ate good.)
3.) Sometimes, morning sickness, isn’t fucking fun. Partially because it never usually happens in the morning, and also because macaroni and cheese doesn’t look nearly as satisfying the second time around.
4.) Unwarranted touching – need I say more? For some reason, people of all shapes and sizes gather around to rub your belly and say things like, “twins?” No, it’s not fucking twins, I’m just GROWING A HUMAN. (Last time I checked, they take up a lot of space regardless.) For whatever reason, people like to touch your stomach, even though, no sane person would do that if you weren’t pregnant… If you want to touch the Golden goose egg, atleast ask first, fuck.
5.) Body changes. Now, I don’t mean stretch marks, or breast milk, or boob changes in general. I’m talking about the shit no one ever warns you of – like the fact you basically turn into a balding gorilla. You grow hair, and you seem to grow it literally everywhere. It’s annoying, it’s dark, and there’s nothing you can do about it. (Don’t shave it, I learned this lesson the hard way, it fucking sucks – just don’t do it.) You also may realize for some women, hair growth isn’t the only thing changing. With my daughter, my thighs grew twice the size. With my son, my feet grew. You just really never know, so don’t feel bad if you’re wearing the same sweat pants from three days ago because your hips spread and nothing else fits. (We get it, I promise.)
6.) After you hit about week 25-35, you really start to fill out, and with that, usually comes swelling. It’s another one of those things you can’t really keep from happening, unless you’re a body builder and have spent your entire pregnancy praying to the flex God’s and getting hella swole. (But most of us are fat, lazy, and like to sleep as much as we possibly can… We are growing a human after all.)
7.) Loss of the filter. I say this to all of the people who aren’t carrying a child at this current moment: if you know a woman who is well into her third trimester, and is obviously uncomfortable – expect that her entire demeanor has changed. For those moms who want to say pregnancy is beautiful and wonderful, and flowers, and rose pedals… Well, I think you’re a fuckin’ liar. One, because I am one of those women well into their third trimester. And two, because people really fucking annoy me. Expect that we, as hormonal narwhales, aren’t sleeping enough, no longer eating enough, and are praying to every god alive that our water breaks: we don’t want to hear you Nancy-with-no-kids, tell us how tired you are. Because making a human? It’s fucking exhausting.
8.) Urinary incontinence… This goes without saying. Pregnant women pee, and then they pee after their pee, and then they wake up just to pee. The peeing never ends. We also pee when we sneeze, when we cough, or laugh, sometimes, even if we just exhale hard enough. It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing, but, we rock it. Truth is, this never goes away after birthing your tiny lil snot rocket. Atleast it didn’t for me. And, it sucks. It really fucking sucks. I thought at 15, starting my period in the middle of school was embarrassing. Turns out, its more embarrassing to piss yourself from laughing too long or too hard at a joke.
9.) Rude remarks are bound to happen. Especially if you are my age, on your second kid. God forbid, I am 34 weeks pregnant, if I go anywhere without my smaller half of me, the most common thing people ask me while I’m out is, “This your first?” The answer is no. He is not. The more annoying part about this is that after I respond accordingly, and explain I’m one of those batshit-insane people who have two under two, they look at me like I just took a shit in their oatmeal. Like something I had just said in the past fifteen seconds was more unjust then them asking me I frequently reproduce. They fail to realize that I am a fully functional adult, with a job, a fiance, a fiance has a job, and we are doing just fine. Adding another one into the mix didn’t scare us one bit. Stop with the judgmental looks, Susan, I don’t have time for your shit. The second annoying rude remark I hear is when I am with my smaller half of myself, and someone says to me “wow, you’re going to have your hands full.” You think I don’t already? Imagine being as pregnant as I am, and still chasing after my toddler. Imagine that carrying a human around all day long inside and outside of my utero, while wiping a small human butt 50 times day, isn’t completely overwhelming as is. I don’t remember the last time my hands weren’t full.
10.) Impending labor. This is a topic that is vast, but is usually never talked about correctly. Sure, labor is painful, but so are all the moments before that lead up to it. That’s usually why women say the last month of pregnancy is approximately 1,486 days long. In the last stretch of pregnancy, things start happening that no one really tells you about, and unless you have friendship necklaces with your OBGYN and share daily cups of coffee with them, you don’t really know what to expect. Labor is scary. The month leading up to it, your baby drops down to what feels like they may just fall right out of you. You lose your mucus plug, and your bloody show. (Which are both fucking gross.) You usually have to piss every 5 seconds. Some women spend the last week before they have their babies sitting on the toilet because they always have to poop. If you’re lucky like me, you shoot into these transitional steps entirely too early, and you’re stuck on bed rest. Your boobs will leak, and bonus points if you hear a baby cry, because they turn into fire hoses. And everything pisses you off. (Especially those Facebook stalkers that are like, “HAVE YOU HAD YOUR BABY YET!?” The answer is no, we haven’t, and we are impatiently waiting for it, just like you. We promise, when we know, you’ll know.) Nesting is another huge thing, which we don’t like to admit we are even doing, but we do it. We will organize everything in the house by color if it means the house is clean. We will even do it twice if the first time wasn’t good enough. With my daughter, I washed the walls.
Women in the last stretch of pregnancy are about the closest thing to a complete nut job you’ve ever seen, and we know it, so don’t make it your job to point it out.
With all this being said: these are my thoughts, you take them how you please, but they are my thoughts for a reason.