So, here goes: one of my longer posts, and something I feel extremely passionate about because, well,
- I came from a blended family, and
- I am a blended family.
Let me first start off by saying, I tried my hardest to make things work with my daughter’s father. Sometimes, shit just doesn’t work. Whether your co-parent still has growing up to do, or in my case: your co-parent spent copious amounts of time while you were pregnant getting to know everyone else. Granted, I will never steer my daughter away from her father – as their relationship is important to me, but, she has two dad’s, and she knows it. I don’t discredit her father from being a father regardless of whatever bullshit him and I put each other through. We are both happy now, living separate lives, and we survive.
Secondly, if your parents stayed together forever, and you know nothing about what it’s like to live in a broken home: let me give you a hint on what not to say to a mother who is just trying to do what’s best for not only herself, but her child too. Mom’s and dad’s alike, you know that if you aren’t happy – your child may not even string together sentences, but they know you aren’t happy. They know when you aren’t feeling well, when you’re sad, and even appropriate times to laugh, so why wouldn‘t they pick up on the fact you are unhappy in your relationship? (Hint: they fuckin do.)
Things to not say to a mother/father who is with someone other than the person they originally selected to reproduce with:
- Anything that pertains to their last names: it goes without saying that what name I chose to give my child, it does not fucking concern you. That’s all I’ll say about that.
- If you are me, you’ve chosen to mate with super humans, that have super human sperm, and your children have different father’s, because the first father couldn’t keep his peepee in the rabbit hole, and now you’re two under two, and you’ve got what people like to call, “multiple baby daddies”, not even sure what this means, because both prospect father’s in my children’s lives are father’s, not dead beats. However, like I stated above, shit happens. You aren’t obligated to stay with one person the rest of your life if you don’t want to. There is no right or wrong time to decide to have another child. So, if you aren’t me, please don’t badger me with the “your children are growing up with different dad’s”, bullshit. How disrespectful. I don’t point out your imperfections, and I’m sure you are awfully aware of them. I am a good mother, and I mind to myself, and my own. With that being said, keep your comments about how many children someone has or doesn’t have to yourself. (Wow, what a concept!)
- I know this one is going to be a shocker to some of you: but some people just can’t have children. Whether it’s defective uteruses, defect sperm, or just defective dicks and vagina in general, some people can’t do it. (And this is for you too, my IVF warriors and my same sex married couples!) If someone is adopting a child, or fostering a child, they are choosing to love a child they didn’t slave nine months over. They are choosing to make the ultimate sacrifices, for the well being of another human! (Wow, yes, there are kind people. They do exist.) I applaud you and I give you praise, because bad habits in children can and have been known to start early. So, if you see a mother or father in public with a rowdy kid that doesn’t fit the picture: keep your mouth shut. It’s probably none of your business! And for those people who are happily married and can’t have children, stop asking them when they plan to! I’m sure it’s just as annoying to hear “when are you having kids?” As it is for me to hear, “I hope you’re not having anymore.” So, when it comes to reproducing and the frequency in which people do it: the answer is more than likely none of your business.
- Some dad’s, and even mothers, they don’t stick around – it’s not anyone’s place to ask where the other co-parent is, and why they may or may not be present. Some people just fuckin’ suck, and truthfully, that’s their loss. If you’re lucky, like me, you’ve found a better human to spend your time with, and hopefully they love your children in the same respects you love your children. (Bonus points if the original parent is still apart of the child’s life like my daughter’s father is for her.) If anyone is hip enough to walk out on an innocent baby, they probably don’t deserve to be around that perfect human being anyhow, because that’s all children are: perfect little humans. (Or tiny Hitler’s if they hadn’t had a nap today.)
- If your child is as great as you think they are, odds are, everyone is going to love them anyhow, which makes blended families a topic no one should be judgemental towards. Everyone wins. (Unless of course, you are one of those horror stories of the step parent shoving a baby into a garbage can or something.)
- As children get older, having these extra family extendees is helpful. Having someone to talk to that won’t baby you, or act like you just murdered 72 people, or even for the little girls or boys hitting puberty. Sometimes, parents are great sources for advice, and sometimes, they aren’t. (Woah, shocker.) I don’t expect my daughter or son to wanna talk to me about everything, Lord knows I’m willing to listen, but sometimes that kind of shit is embarrassing for them, and even for you, and that’s okay.
Don’t ask people if their babies are adopted, unless they flaunt it around like a gold metal. Don’t assume people can have children, or that people want them. Don’t ask where the other parent is, ever. Don’t try to act like you know someone’s situation either, because odds are, you don’t. And lastly, don’t assume a child needs your help either. Sometimes, not talking about something, is the best way to not talk about something.