This post is directed at those babysitters, family members, and even those complete randoms that try to parent your child/offer you half-cocked advice.
It’s gonna be an offensive one, I’m sure, so buckle up.
So, I pondered this topic for quite sometime. There are various things that people say to you as a parent, and you just can’t find it in you to do anything but glare at them and think, what the fuck did you just say to me?
It happens. If you’re a parent, you know it does.
Sometimes, as a parent, you wish you could respond to these off the wall, fucked up remarks the way your mind responds to it, but unfortunately, some of us try to remain calm and answer as nicely as possible.
This post is not one of those things.
And if you happen to be one of those people, well, I’m not sorry.
So, here are some things that mothers alike have agreed need to fuckin… stop.
- We do not want your opinions on co-sleeping. Some people are for it, some people against it, whatever side you take, we don’t care. It’s our child, and we like to think we know them best. Co-sleeping in my opinion is great for both your child, and yourself. I know that personally, I sleep better with my small human snuggled between myself and the man’s. (I’m eight months pregnant, and im not bothered by waking up to feet in my face.) My daughter knows where her bed is, she takes her naps there, sometimes, she even sleeps there over night, but usually, my fiance and I lay in bed at night, and sometime around 12am, we’re asking the other if we can go steal her from her tiny princess castle of wonder. We sleep better sardine packed into bed. That’s just how it goes. As a baby, she slept on my chest. I didn’t sleep. Yes, you do hit a point with a new born where you haven’t slept in God knows how long, and at that point, I obviously don’t suggest trying to co-sleep. However, most women have this weird thing in their brain called a maternal instinct, where we usually wake up every five seconds anyhow to make sure our kid hasn’t rolled themselves away from us. Stop threatening us with SIDS, we know it exists. Stop telling us that we’re going to end up with a ten year old in our bed – that’s our baby, if you’re anything like me, you don’t really care anyhow. One of the most absurd things I’ve heard about co-sleeping is someone saying, “but when do you have sex or alone time?” The answer is simple: I had a child. I made a child, MORE THAN ONE ACTUALLY, and I’ll spare you the details of how babies are made, but I’ll tell you this – I’m young, and I’d like to think I’ve had my runs around the ball park a few times. If I want to have sex, (ladies and gentlemen, mostly my mother and father, please cover your eyes…) I will find a way to do so. Whether my love-making has to happen on my living room floor because my princess is cozy in our bed – my God it will happen. Why do you feel obligated to ask me about my intimate private life anyhow? Nosy ass.
- Comfort items and your opinions on them: shut up. If our child has a blanket, a pacifier, literally anything that they viably find comfort in, we recognize it. Stripping a child away from something they seek comfort in too soon has been scientifically proven to effect the things they find comfort in later in life. We don’t want to hear what age you took your kids pacifer away at. We don’t want to hear the damaging effects of a pacifier. We don’t want to hear your opinion on our child’s raggedy baby blanket, or the smell of it. (Have you tried to remove a blanket from the clutches of a sleeping toddler? It’s fucking hard.) Like most things in life, even as a child, if you have attachments to something, usually, you make the personal decision to cut it out of your routine. Children will kick it when they’re good and ready. I haven’t seen a 6 or 7 year old with a Bink in their mouth lately, have you? Most kids kick them well before 5 even, so don’t insert your advice or opinions down our throats.
- The great ol’ car seat debates! (Aka the most annoying fucking thing mothers bitch about.) I am going to use my nephew as an example for this, partially because he was front faced before my daughter was (he’s two months younger than her) and partially because he was one of those kids that just needed to be front faced. (Mom’s, you know exactly what I’m talking about.) He hated car rides. I am also pretty sure he still hates them. However, he hates them less that he is front facing. Like previously mentioned, some children take viable comfort in things, and one of those things could just happen to be their mother. My nephew spent a majority of his beginning life stages with my sister-in-law all day long, so his comfort is his mommy, and that’s perfectly okay. Imagine being an adult, and having to sit in back seat facing the rear. Kids aren’t exactly adults, but some kids just don’t agree, and they do have functional brains, and they do understand things. And usually, they let you know when they’re ready to be reversed. Just Ike my nephew did. My daughter is naturally tall, (she has her father to thank for that.) So I decided to switch it to front facing when I realized she was now uncomfortable, and her legs were squished up. Her dad, surprisingly, was the first and only one to mention it to me that children can stay rear facing forever, and my response was, “if I’m rear ended, and our kids legs break, you can nurse her back to health.” He never said anything after that. With this being said, the front facing rear facing debate will never end, but as a parent, we really wish you could stop pointing it out. We aren’t dumb. While on topics of carseats, I also want to take about the seat belt placement argument mothers always have. Thankfully, I was disposed to a plethora of resources and village of people willing to explain and demonstrate all of the ins and outs of carseats to me. Some people, just aren’t that lucky – and despite what you think: some people just may not know where the chest clip goes. It happens. But, instead of being a bitch about it, take the time to explain to squandered young parent the importance in placement of the chest clip. (He/She may not actually know, and you could be helping him/her, wow, how nice. Go you.)
- Anti–Vaxers: this one‘s for you. First of all, fuck you. Number one, as young mothers, with babies that have susceptible immune systems, we hate you. We hate you because contrary to what you believe, vaccinations don’t cause autism or literally anything else except the prevention of deadly diseases. You know what not vaccinating your child does do though? (Besides endangering the welfare of other babies?) INCREASES THE RISK YOUR CHILD MIGHT DIE FROM POLIO. Stop researching false articles on the internet that have you readily convinced that vaccinating your child is bad. It’s not bad. What’s bad is burying your kid because they caught measles, and it wasnt caught by medical professionals fast enough. Don’t be ignorant, and if you choose to be ignorant about it, keep your opinions, and your infectious children away from me and mine. Thanks.
- Dressing our child, bed time for our child, what we feed our child, when we feed them, etc, etc … First of all, we don’t care what you did in 1990, when you had children. We don’t care what time you laid them down for bed, or what schedule they were on, or what they ate, or how you fed them. Like most things in life, not every one person is the same – including children. (Especially children) Some tiny creatures are blessed with unfortunate problems early on, like reflux, or constipation, and some kids just have bad gas, or worse: colic. It happens. If you’ve been exposed to multiple children, you know that some kids are different than others. My daughter, for example, is a blessing, because she was never colic, never gassy, and even now as toddler, is not a picky eater. However, using him as a reference again, my nephew was not nearly as simple, and I’m not really sure how my brother and sister-in-law made it through that phase of infancy where my nephew always cried, etc. He had to have a special formula, which is the case for a lot of babies, but his was a special kind of special, and every time I seen him, he was always a grump, and I just…. I give props to my brother and sister-in-law because I don’t think I could handle that shit if I wanted to. As parents, we have a hard enough time with feedings in the beginning, whether our babies are exclusively breast fed, or we have a colicky, gassy, formula fed baby. We don’t want to hear what age you gave your child rice cereal, or when you started feeding them solids, because despite what even a pediatric specialist tells you, some kids develope faster in the eating area than others, and some don’t. We don’t want to hear what we are feeding our children isn’t what you fed yours. Sometimes, it’s a miracle to get our children to eat literally anything. It’s also a miracle to get some children dressed. Because some kids like to let their freak flag fly and run around naked. My child, has a personal issue with her socks and shoes, and she hates them. As an outsider, I can hear you thinking “well she’s the child, you’re the parent.” But when it comes to raising children, you have to pick your battles. It’s not raining, it’s not snowing, she isn’t walking around, guess what? She isn’t wearing socks or shoes. Most of the time, they end up in her mouth anyhow. (Just like literally everything else.)
- Child baring women: this one’s for you. Stop asking us how many babies we have in our womb. Stop saying shit like, “twins?” No, you asshole, there is only one. We’ve had about three ultrasounds thus far, and it’s confirmed, there’s only one. Better questions, easier ones, are things like “Do you know what you’re having yet?” This is probably the only thing people can say that doesn’t make me want to stab their eyes out. Also try things that don’t make you seem like you’re calling a woman fat.
- Child baring women: this one is for you, part two: stop telling pregnant women how to live their lives. We know we aren’t going to sleep ever again, we know we are getting big, we know that being a parent is going to change our life. Mind my manners when I say this, but if we didn’t know it was going to completely change our lives, bodies, and sleeping habits, we would’ve aborted mission. (Sorry pro-lifers. Sensitive sentence.) Stop acting like pregnant women are incompetent. Yes, we are pregnant, but we are not helpless. We can lift things, we can do things, we can not do things – whatever the case, unless you see us every month for our OBGYN checkup, stop acting like we need you to lift our groceries, or carry our mail. We aren’t weak. We’re just pregnant, and it’s not a life sentence – please, stop treating us like it is.
- Your opinions on our parenting styles: this one is a personal favorite of mine. I am not with my daughter’s father, we co-parent. For some reason, people don’t really understand that couples sometimes just don‘t work out. This leads to those weird questions and remarks like, “does she understand why you guys aren’t together?” First of all, why the fuck does it matter? Her parents love her. It’s need to know. Just like any other person, my child is sparred the details. She has two parents that love her, and two step parents that have stepped up and also love her. She is loved. That’s all that matters. Second of all, she’s barely 2. She couldn’t understand the logistics of a breakup if she tried her damned hardest. All she needs to know is that at some point, her parents loved each other enough to MAKE HER. (And she knows, I promise.)
- Stop harassing mothers that breast feed in public, or not in public, or anywhere in general. Breast feeding, from all that I experienced, its fucking hard. Latching, tired nipples, tired bodies, the list of complicated things that go into it is never ending. We don’t need someone telling us to cover ourselves, or someone asking what’s going to happen when they grow teeth. Breast fed babies are little precious angels, stop turning it into a sin. It’s healthy for them, and us, so just… Do us a favor, shut the hell up about it.
- How we handle our unruly little children… This is one of those things that really blows my mind. How anyone can comfortably tell another parent how to counteract bad behavior is beyond me, but for the love of Christ, stop doing it. If our kid is crying in public, sure, you’re annoyed, but I promise, the person annoyed the most here is me. I’ve had to leave restaurants, and grcoeries stores, and all places in between because my child is acting a fool. When they lash out, when they tantrum, it usually spikes my already anxious mind through the damn roof. I didn’t ask for your opinions, or your advice on how to handle it. This goes for older kids and children alike. We don’t care how you chose to handle behavior when your kids were young, because my kid is a whole different poison from yours, almost every kid is different actually. They learn responsibility, and consequences, and all things in between at their own pace, and sometimes it means that they had to be popped in the mouth for talking back, and sometimes it means they need time out. Whatever the case may be, how I chose to correct the behavior is my discretion. Not yours. So, shut it Susan. I don’t wanna hear it.
So, parents, I urge you, feel free to let your niceness disapate when it comes to the people who always have something to say. Or, if you wanna continue to be nice, just send them the link to this article. You’re welcome.